Saturday, March 28, 2009


Driving home from work one day in the lovely spring sunshine, I saw three different people in three different oncoming cars yawn at me. I yawned right back at them. I know yawns are contagious, but I really don't know why. Turns out no one else really knows, either.
Some interesting yawning facts:
- The average yawn lasts about 6 seconds
- Your heart rate can rise as much as 30% during a yawn
- 55% of people will yawn within five minutes of seeing someone else yawn
- Blind people yawn more after hearing an audio tape of people yawning
- Reading about yawning will make you yawn (oops! - sorry.)
- Dogs will often yawn in response to a human yawn. Cats probably just can't be bothered.
This really is leading to a story. I swear.
Newly married, my husband and I were renting a little house in small town Illinois. He worked for the local newspaper, I worked at a newspaper about 25 miles of cornfields away.
I was brushing my teeth one morning when he ran into the bathroom with a panicky look in his eye and his mouth wide open. "What are you doing?" I said. "I'm gonna be late for work." All he could do was point at his face and make weird guttural sounds. I grabbed a pad of paper and a pencil and handed it to him. He wrote, "Big yawn. Jaw stuck."
I am NOT kidding.
I called his work, told them that his jaw was stuck open, they laughed, I called my work, told them that his jaw was stuck open, they laughed, then we drove to the emergency room.
Not much trauma going on in a small town on a weekday morning. The emergency room was empty except for one very bored nurse. She scratched her head, called a few of the on-call doctors, nobody seemed to know what to do. By this time it had probably been an hour and my husband was in real pain. The decision was made to send us to an oral surgeon in a town about 35 miles away.
We got back in the car and headed south on I-57. He was worn out, I was worn out, he put his head back on the headrest and I drove like a bat out of hell. I noticed that every person I passed had a horrified look on their face. I didn't realize until later that with his head back and his mouth wide open, it must have looked like I had a corpse riding shotgun.
The oral surgeon's office was packed and everyone stared when we walked in. The receptionist gave me a clipboard with about 24 forms on it and said, "Sit down and fill this out."
Well - and I'm not proud to say it - I went nuts. "LISTEN, Sister" I said, "This is an EMERGENCY! We just drove 30 MILES to get here! The doctor's gonna see him RIGHT NOW and MAYBE I'll fill these out when I get around to it, SEE?" She sighed and said, "The doctor will see you now."
All the oral surgeon did was get my husband in a head lock and - click! - click! - he could shut his mouth. I thought, "Hell! I could have done that."
He was then given a prescription for painkillers that I found hilarious. The label read "May cause drowsiness."
I guess the moral of this story, kids, is Live big. Yawn small. And only read lively stories.

Sunday, March 8, 2009


Yes, Facebook has taken a lot of my free time, I'll admit it. I was coerced into joining at a Macy's Midwest reunion by a couple of friends. I'm glad I did - I would have lost touch with a lot of folks without it and have found some that I thought were lost forever. 
There are some slightly annoying aspects of it, though. The listing thing took off about a month ago. It's really simple - just answer a series of questions about yourself and send them to 10 of your friends, then wait for their answers to come back. 
At first it was fun but quickly started to get out of hand. There was a new list to fill out EVERY DAMN DAY. Frankly, I was getting tired of talking about myself and on the verge of just making stuff up when I ran across this one. My first thought was, "Sweet! My blog has just written itself!" It wasn't until I started filling it out that I realized my life had changed more than I realized in just the last 15 years.  
Interesting. At least to me, that is.   

15 YEARS AGO (1994)
1) How old were you? 36
2) Who were you dating? no one
3) Where did you work? Salem Times-Commoner in Salem, IL
4) Where did you live? Centralia, IL
5) Where did you hang out? Lots of house parties and the Green Grill
6) Did you wear contacts and/or glasses? Glasses
7) Who were your best friends? Wil, Anthony, Dana, Peggy
8) How many tattoos did you have? None
9) How many piercings did you have? 2 in one ear, 1 in the other
10) What kind of car did you drive? Ford Escort
11) Had you been to a real party? Hell, yeah!
12) Had you had your heart broken? Hell, yeah!
13) Were you Single/taken/Married/Divorced? Married
14) Any Kids? Nope

10 YEARS AGO (1999)
1) How old were you? 41
2) Who were you dating? Brian
3) Where did you work? Designer at Macy's Midwest
4) Where did you live? South St. Louis, MO (Dutchtown)
5) Where did you hang out? Soulard
6) Did you wear contacts and/or glasses? Glasses
7) Who were your best friends? Brian, Kay, Ronda, Jamie, John, Cheryl, Joan, Peggy
8) How many tattoos did you have? None
9) How many piercings did you have? 2 (I had given up on the 2nd piercing in one ear by then - it seemed so 80's)
10) What kind of car did you drive? 1974 VW Beetle
11) Had your heart broken? My marriage had just broken up, so
12) Were you Single/Taken/Married/Divorced? Divorced
13) Any Kids? Nope

TODAY (2009)
1) Age? 51
2) Where do you work? Call Newspapers
3) Where do you live? Benton Park, MO
4) Where do you hang out? Mostly at home, but sometimes the Shanti or Friendly's
5) Who are you dating? David's not crazy about me dating
6) Who are your closest friends? David, Tom, Drea, Andra, Hud, Peggy
7) Do you wear contacts and/or glasses? Tried contacts, now I just wear glasses to drive and watch T.V., and yes - they're bifocals
8) How many piercings do you have? Still just the 2 - don't even know if I could get an earring into the 3rd one anymore
9) How many tattoos? None - but I intend to get my first one this summer.
10) What kind of car do you have? Nissan Sentra that's being rebuilt. I swear I'll get to drive it someday
11) Had your heart been broken? Not in over 5 years or so
12) How many kids?None - that I
know of
13) Are you Single/Taken/Married/Divorce? Taken

It's much easier to just post this on my blog than send it to 10 folks. I just don't have time.
I'm very busy and important, you know.